Mop-Up RAW 05.07.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Absolutely the best news digest column I've ever read! You have effectively raised the bar for all the news columnists out there. Scaia, Keller, Meltzer, Scherer, and Ryder are all stone punks by comparison. The whole bunch can eat your dust, and better ask for seconds if they know what's good for them! How are you holding up under the extra work load? I can foresee a LO-O-O-NG vacation your future, once Ashish returns.You ROCK, sir!
Anony... anon... someone who doesn't want his name published
DAMN, he's right! I RULE!!!!
From yesterday's Midnight News
"This marks the first time a wrestler has appeared on a mainstream magazine cover. for something OTHER than wrestling! (hah, thought you'd get me, huh?)"
WRONG!!!! Jesse Ventura, ever hear of him ya faggot.
CrayzeeGuy@aol.com
DAMN, he's right! I SUCK!!!!
Man, you live a sad life, you like comics and wrestling. Both of those suck my ass, I read this site just to laugh at your patehic gay f**king ass. I heard you take it up the anus each and every night from your dad, who just flat out sucks my ass.
Jason Howard pacersfanjh@yahoo.com
Note: The message is 3 sentences long, yet has FOUR references to the rectum. Think Jason has issues?
I doubt you have ever had the opportunity to see any woman's "funaki". male Wrestling geeks are virgins. They are like trekkies. Never been laid. Maybe if you went out and got yourself a life and a real job then you would finally lose your virginity. Until then...
Joan Harkness: Dha@attcanada.ca
This person has written to me five times. Each time he tells me to go lose my virginity. Time for some more material JOAN!!
Of course, "Joan Harkness" is just his e-mail address. Still using Mommy's computer, kiddo?
I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. We've got a big closer, small openers, and recapping chaos up the ol' poop chute. I put up four letters because I have only a couple of opening notes... I'll explain why after these...
Plugs! This week's The Bonus Mop-Up is up. I want you to read it, then help me decide if I should continue on with it. I'm at a serious crossroads with the thing, as you have, or will about to, see...
This week's "And Another Thing" is a change of pace corker. It's a brief history of Internet Wrestling and an explanation as to why most of the people you read are, in fact, idiots. I don't really flame too many people, but points are made and an open challenge to everyone who dares post their thoughts is thrown down. I think newcomers will like it and people who've been around for a while will think it over. Read it... you know you want to!
Incidentally, as I said in the news column, I posted the wrong copy of AAT by mistake, so the unproofed one is there. That explains why I badly mangled some words, and offered a couple of different interpretations of the word "Shepherd".
By the way, in case you blew through last week's column and missed it, next week's column is a loose "part two" of this week's topic. Plus there will be ANOTHER new AAT column online somewhere. You'll figure it out next week, or else I'll explain it all.
Hey, BIG, HUGE props to A1 Wrestling! These boys have proven INVALUABLE to me while I hunt down news for my reports.... totally invaluable! Thanks boys. I don't care if you only send like 10 people a week to 411 through your link up.... you are making my news thing WAAAY easier to do.
This week's Closer is simple. Dirty, filthy, rotten racist jokes that you can steal and tell your friends. I never did a closer like this before.... and I feel sort of cheap doing it. But, F-it. Oh, and I also throw out some "Yo Momma" lines.... but not the best Yo Momma line I have ever heard in my life
YO MOMMA EATS KNEELING PORK!!!! IF THERE'S PORK, SHE MUST BE KNEELING!!!!
That's funny!
Okay, on to the openers....
Thanks to all who enjoy and frequent my new news column here at 411. I actually like crafting them. I treat it more like the poor man's wrestling version of The Daily News with John Stewart. I mean, Widro would prefer straight news, but my feeling is that 411's newsboard is the best one out there, and all of the news I put in there are just pasted and paraphrased from someone else. So it's best to give it a light, humorous spin with a touch of attitude. Call it "Mop-Up Light". Of course, some may say that Scaia does the exact same thing.... but the difference is that Scaia is a smug dickface who acts like he broke the news and I'm not. I also try to hit on a wide range of stories from all sorts of sources.... so if one of you kind readers can send me links to some wrestlers sites, just to see what everyone is up to, I'd greatly appreciate it.
In all serious, this gig begins and ends on Ashish's word. When he comes back, he does the news again. If he chooses to do it full time, then he does it full time. If he decided to do it a few days a week, then I'll offer my services the other few days. It's his site, it's all up to him. I may make jokes, but I have no desire to run my own website.... if he isn't still too busy re-writing history and twisting it into something more favorable, you can go ask Erik Assley about how I used to tell him that I am served best as a piece of the whole pie, and not the entire pie itself. If he isn't still selling the notion that I am a mark for myself, he may answer truthfully.
In fact, the only bad part about doing the news is that it sort of takes away from my opening notes. Although this week seems to be business as usual.
By now, everyone is sick of Survivor, so I'll just add three quick notes:
1) God, I so badly want to bang Jerri. God Bless the person who thought to sit Jerri right behind Tina during the Survivor Town Hall Meeting hosted by Bryant Gumble, every time Tina had the camera, we had a full view of Jerri's bobbies in the background.... outSTANDING.
2) Each and every one of my predictions about what would happen were dead f-ing wrong. Not even close. Not even in the stratosphere.
3) Nevermind Dillard, I want to see VINCE RUSSO on Survivor 3. If he is even 50% of what he presented to the audience on Nitro, he'll easily become the most hated person on TV that year. He'll be the new "Puck".
That's it.
Finally, lots of little net feuds going on. On one end, you have Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer vs Rob Van Dam. On the other end, you have Jerry Lawler vs The Honky Tonk Man. On yet another end, you have Scott Keith vs some guy at WWF.com and CRZ. Well, even though I ain't in ANY of these things, being that I am an unstoppable machine when it comes to feuds, I thought I'd weigh in my expert thoughts.
1) Van Dam has no business bitching. He's a performer, Scherer's a critic. It comes with the territory.
2) Bob should let Dave fight his own battles, unless he actually thrives off getting people to flame him personally.
3) The WWF writer should keep his yap shut. He is a hype machine who is on a very short leash in terms of what he can say. Whether Triple H is running things or not, Web Writers have every right to say what they want.... and if what they say is ridiculously short sighted, it only reflects their lack of intelligence. (that's not a crack on anyone in particular)
4) HTM is a man who wants to be invited to EVERY PPV. It's a wonder he wasn't in the WWF Gimmick Battle Royal (was he? I forgot already).
5) CRZ should really cut loose on someone someday, it makes things SO much more interesting for the reader AND the writer. Just don't try it on me, or I'll squish you like a bug.
6) Screw all this fighting. We should all ban together and really rag out on Bruce Mitchell. The man is unbelievably arrogant, and he thinks he is the funniest man alive.
And that will just about cover it. I'm on my second pot of coffee (POT, not CUP) and am properly jazzed to get cranking. name me one other web guy who goes from a month long vacation to THREE huge columns (well, 2 and one wimp out) and a daily news piece? I swear, I run from 0-60 and back to 0 like no one else.
Anyways, I recon it's time to get a move on. On we move then....
RAW IS WAR (or: Heel, Face... YOU STILL LOSE!)
-begins with the end of Miami Vice, where Don Johnson shoots and kills a black girl. She must have caught him sneaking into an gay adult video store. She HAD to die!
-later, Johnson is being tended to by guest star Sheena Easton. One thing about Sheena.... her baby takes the morning train.... he works from nine to five and then.... he takes another home again.... to find her waiting for him! (her BABY??? THE WHOLE SONG WAS PRO-CHILD LABOR!!! WHY WASN'T SHE PUT ON TRIAL???? LIKE PUTTING KIDS IN THE SWEAT SHOPS, TOOTS??? HOW'S AN INJECTION OF CYANIDE SOUND TO YOU???)
-oh f-you.... I know that was a total reach
-All I know is that the video for "Sugar Walls" pretty much was the only thing I masturbated to during the Summer of 1986. Now THAT'S a song Britney Spears should cover.... imagine all the old men who will feel like total pedofiles.
-"Oh baby baby.... come inside my sugar wallllssss" Instant magic.
-WWF: One World....
-video package details the Undertaker's reign of Smackdown terror. The real terror on that show was seeing how the WWF was thoroughly TROUNCED by a 40 year old minimum wage earning criminal mastermind who scammed a naive Texas boy into handing her a million bucks for doing basically nothing but be nice to people.
-Does every single arena the WWF plays had have to have at least one room with a large picture glass window?
-Wasn't Raven plunged through the EXACT SAME ROOM during Wrestlemania?
-and didn't Austin once attack Bret Hart while HE was helplessly strapped to a gurney and sitting in an ambulance.
-Is this a nod to "poetic irony" or a nod to "we are fresh out of ideas"?
-and isn't it annoying that I am ripping off Scherer's ultra-horrible "Rhetoric Questions?
-and could maybe one or two or a thousand of you pass along to me a website that has a program I can download that automatically washes away all pop up ads that come up while I'm surfing around? How can I go to message boards and see what people are saying about me if these goddam ADS keep clogging up my screen?
-It's bad enough that Scherer does it, do we HAVE to have his recappers do it too?
-And doesn't the Undertaker muthaf***ing RULE???????
-opening theme.
-Fireworks, fans, frenetic camera cuts. Quick glimpse of a sign reading, "THE HARDYS ARE HIGH FLIGHING" Oh, you utter simpleton!
-We are in Long Island, New York. Which explains the sign I just saw that says, "HYATTE, YOU BROKE MY HEART AND MY SITE!!!" Al Isaacs is in da' hizowwwse
-Jim Ross pipes in. He says that due to the severity of last week's Smackdown, Vince McMahon has given the Undertaker the night off to cool off. Well, that and the fact that a puff of wind will send that ear right off his head and straight into the Hudson River.
-Heyman says hello, and makes use of the word "extreme" right away. This ongoing bit will very quickly become pathetic.
-we have STEEL CAGE MATCH tonight between Chris Jericho and William Regal. The last time Jericho worked a cage match, X-Pac was stiffed onto the injury list for a good few months. Let's see if Regal's career gets put in jeopardy tonight by the wild young man from.... Calgary?
-Mick Foley comes out with a book in his hand. Knowing how Mick likes to take his time crafting his promos, I figure that it'll take about 15 minutes before we start wishing for a good ol' fashion Kwee Wee vs Prime Time throwdown to switch over to.
-You know, it just occurred to me.... I don't even know if TNT is still on the air? I haven't even flipped by it accidentally since Nitro left.
-Does USA still have that show about a family of FBI agents? You know, the one with the blonde who wore a bikini with the bug strapped to her butt in the ads?
-Foley hit the ring, and encouraged more applause! (Hey!! Why steal Joan Rivers act?)
-Foley said that he wasn't Commissioner anymore, but that left him lots of time to make personal appearances and forget how to get to his own house.
-He admitted to watching Smackdown last Thursday, but then gave himself away by saying, "man, is that Colby a sucker or WHAT?"
-He said he watched the Undertaker throw Steve Austin (an astronaut.... a man buried alive...)through a plate glass window, and he cheered his ASS OFF LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! (oh. so it's impossible that some of us may still be Austin fans? DO WE ALL HAVE TO FOLLOW THE SCRIPT AND BOO STONE COLD NOW???? HOW DARE YOU, MICK!!! HOW DARE YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!)
-Mick said that the UT simple "made Austin famous", then referenced his own "HITC" moment where the UT made HIM famous! (Umm, didn't the Spanish Announce Table help, just a tad?)
-The thing is, the UT wasn't even MAD at poor Mick. He IS mad at Austin... so the mind boggles at just how "famous" Austin will become after the UT gets through with him.
-yeesh.... someone had a production meeting last week and said, "let's throw Mick out there to tell the monkeys that everything is GREAT here! People like Mick.... they listen to him!"
-Pause while the fans chant his name. When did he change his name to "Mick Thissucks"?
-moving on, Mick talked about his new book, Foley Is Good, on sale NOW!! (well, tomorrow at the time of that statement, but now at the time of THIS statement). he called it "the perfect Mother's Day gift". My Father would disagree.... he thought a swift kick to her chooch and a loud bellow, "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR POPPING OUT THIS LOUSY F-ING EXCUSE FOR A SON" honored the day quite nicely.
-I got him back. One Father's Day I squirted hot jalapeno sauce all inside my gloryhole.... oh yes, he got quite the surprise. Oh yes.
-Backstage, Vince McMahon arrived with his daughter. William Regal came out and told Vince that Mick was in the ring and selling the PPV main event. Vince shouted, "THAT NO GOOD BASTARD!!!! LET'S GO THROW HIM OUT!!!" (wow, even Vince has given up on his own company).
-Realizing that the McMahons are on route, Mick decides to start ragging on William Regal a bit (now THIS is a feud that I would have LOVED to see with both men in their prime). He starts calling him "Steven".... not sure if this was intentional.
-Mick pauses and waits out a few chants.... looks like he's.... Lord help him.... RIFFING!
-Out comes the McMahon crew. It seems that the worse the ratings get, the more pronounce Vince's swagger gets. It sends a subliminal message to all saying, "I've had bowel movements that were tougher than the jam I'm in now!!"
-Want to know the puppet master? FIND OUT WHO'S PULLING HIS STRINGS!!!! (from the brilliant AAT piece, "The Enigma With The Pompadour".... unavailable anywhere online thanks to 411's server crashing a few days after)
-wow.... just thinking of that quote.... it may be the highpoint of my work.... well, that and the time I said farewell to Dan Severn using old Queen songs... plus the bullshit I shoveled for that end piece about ScoopThis called "NoSouled Out".... whew, lied through my f-ing teeth on that one.
-OUCH... ARGH.... broke my arm patting myself on the back. Arrgh.
-Everyone pauses as a fan climbed up to the ring apron and started jawing to Vince. I swear I heard the kid say, "MISTER VINCE.... COULD I HAVE YOUR DAUGHTERS HAND IN MARRIAGE??? AND WHY IS TRIPLE HUNTER RUNNING THE ENTIRE COMPANY???? AND HIRE HYATTE!!" To his credit, Vince stood there and listened to the plebeian. WWF Security yanked him off the ring and carted him away.
-Vince grabbed a mic and said, "You knowww" (oh God, come ON, Vince!).
-He said that the fan who got in his face was "just like YOUUUU!!" (how so? Does he have children who will one day end up on a Therapist's couch moaning, "My daddy made me watch him get pummeled with a chair by a shirtless black guy" too?)
-Mick reminds Vince of an unwanted house guest.... you never know when he'll show up and when he does, he'll stay way too long! (for some unknown, and totally unfunny reason, the name "Tom Arnold" immediately sprang to mind)
-Vince tells Mick that things changed around here since he was fired.... and changed for the better! While Mick was gone, Vince formed a mutually profitable, wildly successful alliance with Stone Cold Steve Austin (for a second, I was POSTIVE he was going to say " a mutually profitable, wildly successful new football league" and believe me, I had a mouth FULL of water and my head aimed DIRECTLY at my bird in preparation.)
-He said that while Mick was gone, he had indefinitely suspended that trouble making, box office breaking, time-machine-building-so-he-can-jump-back-a-few-years-and-refuse-to-sign-any-contract-that-does-not-release-him-from-the-WWF-by-this-June-so-he-can-go-be-a-full-time-movie-star-and-bang-every-white-actress-from-Meg-Ryan-to-the-Olson-Girls-Rock.
-He said that while Mick was gone, he signed the entire company away to Triple H, his very own son-in-law... well, son. (My God.... THE RUMORS ARE TRUE!!!!! THE INTERNET IS RIGHT!!!!)
-he said that while Mick was gone, Robert Blake's wife was killed (huh? Why bring that up? It's not like the guy is OJ or anything.... yet.)
-Vince said that the WWF's NEW Commissioner is a "man of respect, a man of dignity!" (there goes the rumors that HBK would get another run at the gig)
-So, with all the WWF's eggs in a tidy little basket. Vince asked Mick to leave. Leave HIS ring.
-Vince threatened to lay hands on Mick.... or maybe make the new Commissioner do it.
-Then Vince had a better idea.... he ran into someone in the parking lot who would be the PERFECT guy to toss Foley out. (again, Tom Arnold sprang to mind.... complete with a bucket of mud, a bottle of Windex and a rag. Arnold will be the perfect man to do it too, whenever he shows up on a talk show, I automatically flip elsewhere.)
-ugh, ugh, and UGH..... so lame
-Anyway, Rikishi comes out. Ross groaned, "Aww, why now? Why in Mick's hometown?" Heyman quoted an old New York saying, "Get while the gettin's good!" (Many Central Park wildings were performed thanks to that credo!)
-Vince ordered Rikishi to step through the ropes. Otherwise, he's just stand on the apron looking confused. (Those island boys ain't known for their SAT scores)
-He ordered Rikishi to "take care of this light.... well, not so light work" (why have him throw out Stephanie?)
-Incidentally, Stephie was delighting her acting coach by learning how to be a part of the scene's backdrop WITHOUT doing anything to draw attention. Many top Hollywood stars do not know how to be so unselfish (take away the words "top", "Hollywood", and "stars” and once again, Tom Arnold comes to mind)
-It wasn't funny the first time, so why the F***K am I beating it to death?
-Mick stops Rikishi mid-waddle and reminded him that he watched the Undertaker bury Rikishi with chairshot after chairshot over and over again while Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin stood there and did absolutely nothing.
-He asked Rikishi how long they've known each other? Twelve years? Then he reminded him of the famous "pond scum" promo. (umm... what? If "the Rick" can I.D. that I will personally... umm....nah, better not.... he may really know it. Or else he'll make something up and fool everyone)
-Mick told Rikishi that he deserves better than to be Vince McMahon's pawn!! (err.... no he doesn't. Unless he's jamming his ass into Trish's face, he's NEVER been over.... not even when he tried to "make a difference")
-Regal piped up and called Foley "Sunshine" (BOOYAA!!!!! WHEN REGAL SAYS "SUNSHINE", ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!!!)
-Foley cut him off mid-"bloody" and encouraged Rikishi to make a new switch to Face.
-Stephanie jumped in. With her voice on "close your eyes-still want to screw me?" mode, she told Rikishi not to let Mick Foley "brainwash him" She advised Rikishi to "listen to my daddy or else the same thing will happen to you!!" (that being, he'll be fired like Foley was)
-oh brother.... we have some SERIOUS bad acting to examine here. Note that after every sentence, Steph CHEWS UP THE SCENERY by wildly spinning herself to face Foley with a HAMMY smile on her face.... in order to SELL the symbolic battle over Rikishi's SOUL!!!!
-With her free hand, Steph points at EVERYONE she mentions. "YOU (point) SHOULD LISTEN TO MY DADDY (jab) AND GIVE MICK FOLEY (poke) the STINKFACE (point back to Rikishi)" This is known as "directive body language" it's also known as "Jesus H Christ, what is this girl's PROBLEM??"
-The nightmare continues.... Steph gently slapped her own ass, each beat totally in synch with her line reading, "TAKE YOU'RE BIG (slap) FAT (slap) CHEESY (slap) OILY (slap) CHEEKS AND STICKTHEMIN (jab, jab) MICKFOLEY'SFACE!!! (swinging around, big, PRONOUNCED JABS WITH THE FINGER) RUB (JAB) IT (JAB) IN (JAB) HIS (JAB) FACE!!!! (JAB JAB JAB)
-Three more hard jabs to the floor, to indicate finality "DO IT NOWWWW!!"
-dead silence from a motionless Rikishi.... who, no doubt, was gaping at Steph from behind his shades in shocked disbelief over what he just witnessed.
-meanwhile (and I have this on GOOD authority) backstage, Steph’s acting coach was methodically banging his head against a locker. *CLUNK....CLUNK.... CLUNK.... CLUNK*. He stops.... looks to his left. There's a figure, shrouded in darkness, casually leaning against the wall. A cigarette in his mouth. The figures head calmly tilts downward. A lighter flares up and lights the cigarette.... a familiar face, wrinkled by time and lots of strange male goo glows in the light of the flame. A thick, Canadian voice says, "Feeling blue, handsome? I'm your huckleberry!" The acting coach stares.... mulls it over.... and mutters, "oh what the hell." Love is in the air that night, my friends.... love that you don't even want to THINK about.
-'kishi is still motionless. Steph slaps him. Regal threatens to "beat some bloody sense into you" and moves in. Rikishi super kicks him. Regal goes down. The McMahon's bail. Regal rolls out. He wraps his arm around Vince's shoulder. Vince is outraged, Regal is besmirched. Stephanie is running to find her Coach for notes.... she finds him.... oh yes, she finds him.... it isn't pretty.
-Mick has some final words.... he wants his music cut and Rikishi's music played.... not that jungle crap that was culled from every episode of Gilligan's Island whenever the "Headhunters" tried to take over the island ("Todo see pagumbo!") but the REAL music.... the DANCING music.
-It played.... Rikishi stalled.... Rikishi danced.... Rikishi is a Face again. It took Mick Foley's seal of approval to do it.
-I.... which is to say none of us was exactly PINING for the return of Rikishi's two step. Were we?
-Vince stepped out again and ordered the music to STOP.... ironically, it was right then where I ordered....well...begged this SEGMENT to STOP!!!
-Things grounded to a halt faster than a Play during a Stephanie monologue as Vince announced that Mick would be escorted out of the ring by security and Rikishi just earned himself a non-title main event match against Stone Cold Steve Austin later tonight. Ross screamed the pre-requisite "Good God Almighty! No Rest for the Faces" rhetoric. Another way too long edition of "get Steph over" wraps up and we are sent on our way into a batch of the evening's first series of....
-commercials
-commercials for the "Collector's Edition" of Mission Impossible II.... including 45 minutes of new footage! See Anthony Hopkins brag about getting a cool 2 million for 5 minutes of work! See a home video of Tom Cruise telling his wife Nicole Kidman, "Nicci, this marriage will self-destruct in 5 minutes. SEE Tom Cruise stare into the camera for 20 minutes screaming, "FOR CHRISSAKES, I AM NOT GAY!!!!"
-The Announcers get face time. I couldn't help but notice how Paul Heyman works his mouth to heavily pronounce every word. Just his way of making the show easier to watch for their large deaf audience.
-while we were being sent subliminal messages to stock up on Fram oil filters.... (FIGHT THE POWER PEOPLE!!).... we see that Mick Foley was indeed tossed out of the building by security. Mick was reading from his book while they were doing it. Sometimes, that kind of stuff works.... other times it doesn't. This was one of those "it doesn't" times.
-Meanwhile, Edge & Christian continue their insane quest to bring Hulk Hogan's old red and yellow 80's horror show into the new century. They also are reading the latest edition of RAW Magazine and wondering what was the Mexican word for "chumpstain" and how it relates to Eddie Guerrero. (oo, I bet it's GREASY!!!) Kurt Angle showed up to apologize for something. Then he asked the boys to, if they should see him, grab Chris Benoit and hold him down while he works this next match. Then he will come back, take his medals back, and snap the Canadian's ankle in TWO! E & C agreed. "Team ECK" was BACK!!!
-Angle bailed, E & C agreed to do what he asks because it will finally shut the guy UP!
-The APA music came on, Bradshaw came out alone. Faarooq was busy banging your wife. (That's right.... YOU'RE WIFE'S GETTIN A LITTLE CHOCOLATE THUNDER!!!!! AND TRUST ME, AMIGO.... THE BOY IS HUNG LIKE THE ARABIAN STALLION!!!!!!!!!!)
-Whenever JR says "WWF Insurrextion".... I start giggling.
-speaking of which, we see footage of the PPV where Bradshaw and Test helped take down the Big Show.... which isn't as dramatic as they made it out to be. The man would lie down for Nathan Lane if he was told to.
-Bradshaw stomped around the ring, unaware that a lock of his hair was draped over his forehead. Unaware that he looked like a total moron.
-Ladies and Gentlemen.... this is a first for me. Every single word in that above mark had to be re-written thanks to typos. Every last one of them. Even "he" and "of".... and yes, even "a"... I put in an "s" by accident. It's a new record of incompetence, followed closely by the words in THIS mark, where 13 words were horribly bungled.
-one day I'll do this column completely without spellchecking, just to show you how bad the first draft really is.
-Kurt Angle comes out. He doesn't have a microphone. Allah be praised, I am all promoed out!
-They get going quickly. Angle goes for a go-behind *coughfaggotcough*, Bradshaw muscles out of it. They stare at each other. Angle runs off the ropes and eats a big boot.
-Bradshaw with a pair of forearm thumps to the back of the neck, Angle maneuvers himself into a belly to belly.
-Angle dives off the top rope for a big Cross Body block. Bradshaw catches him and does a bigger Fallaway Slam. Sticking with the Scott Hall motif, Bradshaw then abandons his wife and children and goes on a Japanese tour to score some primo opium. (and once he learned that Opium is mostly a product grown in China, his reaction was "aw sheeit, meng")
-Bradshaw with a reverse elbow to the jaw. Ten years ago, that sentence would deserve and exclamation point.
-Angle with an Ankle Lock. Bradshaw REACHES FOR THE ROPES. HE CAN'T REACH!!! HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO TAP OU...
-Bradshaw realizes that he was practically under another set of ropes and saw what a waste of time it was trying to get at the one 3 feet away. He hooked his arms easily around it. Angle broke the hold.
-Suddenly, Benoit's music played. Chris Benoit was shown on the TitanTron eating a meal. No, not Nancy, actual meat.... again, not Nancy.... some real chicken. NO, NOT NANCY!!!
-A waiter came out and asked Benoit how was his meal at "WWF New York"? (Just in case some of you nitwits actually thought the Russian Tea Room decorated it's walls with the WWF logo) Benoi?t (oh CAN I GO WRITE A SINGLE WORD WITHOUT A GODDAM TYPKO??????) said that of course, the food was superb (because if he thought to be honest on live TV, he'd be jobbing out to Crash Holly for the rest of his natural life) and asked if they took credit cards? The waiter answered, "Why yes, we accept all major credit cards here at the WWF New York!" Then he looked into the camera and smiled. Ugh.
-Benoit produced Angle's medals and asked if they took "gold". He grinned smugly, infinitely pleased that he pulled off the joke without once flubbing.
-Angle, naturally, was pissed. So much so that he walked right into a Clothesline from HELL!!! He toppled out of the ring and stumbled away. Bradshaw won via storyline interference.
-footage of what just happened, thank God, because I had already forgotten.
-Angle runs into the garage, throws a poor sucker who was packing stuff in his trunk away, and took off in the car. Ross insulted the audience by asking "Where is he GOING?" (Jee Gimmy.... do we get three guesses?)
-commercials
-May I just say that I wish a POX on the first born child of the genius who thought to give Mr. T. commercial work. Thank you.
-backstage, the Hardyz tell Eddie Guerrero that there is no recorded moment in history when the word "trust" was ever applied to a Mexican. Eddie explains that he will be the exception to the rule. He also salutes his old "LWO" gimmick by saying "Kiss my Butt". Lita explains to him that it will take a lot more than simple words to EARN the Hardyz' trust, but it'll only take a bottle of halfway decent Tequila to earn Lita's chooch! Eddie ran out to the nearest liquor store.
-Edge, Christian, and Rhyno came out.
-Eddie came out. Someone must have tackled him before he went out the door and reminded him that he had a match.
-The Hardyz came out. It was 6 man, mayhem as another chapter of the NEVERENDING FEUD BETWEEN THE BOYZ AND THE BLONDZ BEGINS TO BE WRITTEN!!!!
-The match begins... the Boyz show their distrust of Eddie, but manage to take control of E & C.
-Rhyno is in. So much for face control.
-The Boyz are summarily tuned up. Eddie juts his hand out. They have no choice but to tag him in. CAN THEY TRUST EDDIE????? WILL HE BETRAY THEM LIKE SO MANY BITCHES HAVE BETRAYED MEEEE??????
-No, of course not, Eddie is tagged in and tosses Rhyno right over the top rope INSTANT DQ!!! RING THE BELL, FLAIR KEEPS THE TITLE!
-oops, flashed back to the 80's for a sec.... sorry.
-speaking of which.... wouldn't it be sort of funny if the only opening TNN had for WCW were Saturdays at 6:05 pm?
-Eddie fought like a MAN POSSESED!!! Well... REpossessed.... he is Mexican, after all.
-Litacarrana on Edge. Rhyno charges to gore here while her back is turned. Eddie leaps in his path and takes it Rhyno pins Eddie. Lita realizes what was about to happen to her and registers relief.
-Is Eddie legit? or is Eddie scamming? Who cares? HE'S GETTING A NEW STORYLINE!!!
-and by the way, someone ask Jason Powell, who just the other day accused the WWF of not building any new stars.... ask him to explain RHYNO!!! He is being shoved to the moon as a monster and IT IS WORKING!!!!
-Let's hoped this storyline ends with Lita jamming her tongue down someone's throat again, that's all I ask.
-footage from the new Heat An hour with HHH and StephanEEE. Polite conversation without the slightest hint of kayfabe breaking.... for those of us who always wished those old "PWI Hotseat" interviews were videotaped and shown. (Kind of tough when they were all FALSEFIED!!!! Which is especially creepy when you picture some bad writer sitting at a desk and pretending that he is Liz Hunter and Rick Rude is making a pass at him/her. "Thanks Rick, but no!" I bet the guy wrote that particular interview with no pants on.)
-Ross says that The Big Show will be the next guest. Expect an hour's worth of WWF ass smooching.
-commercials
-The Undertaker is in the WWF Studios in Stamford, Conn. Seeing how badly I am slamming my fat ass fingers into the keyboard tonight, I won't even ATTEMPT to spell "Conn" in it's entirety
-One half of Too Cool comes out.... deliriously happy that he is just weeks away from a big reunion with Rikishi.
-Heyman announces that Skittles promises us a "rainbow of fruit flavors".... Hell, any gay bar will give you that.
-Crash marches out.
-Taka Michinoku comes out.
-Jerry Lynn makes his RAW debut as Light Heavyweight champion. This is a four way dance for the strap and a RENEWED SENSE OF PURPOSE FOR THE LIGHTWEIGHTS!!!!
-The BEST way to make this division important... when you have WCW up and running, kill the Cruiserweight strap and make THIS the ONLY "inter-promotional" title. This way, whoever they keep in WCW has to earn his way to RAW or a PPV and challenge the champ in his own backyard... PLUS, the WWF rep has to go on WCW TV and challenge for the strap too when it's on the waist of one of Shane's boys. The only problem is that the WWF bullshitted around with the division too much to really establish a core group of light guys.... while Bischoff made HIS division so strong that WCW is still known for it's cruiserweights. Still, it's the coolest way to make the title feel important.
-hidden in the bowels of a site no one of importance visits, a genius's ideas go UNREAD!!!
-Oh, and there is nothing "light" about Jerry Lynn. He's only slightly smaller than Val Venis.
-I don't recap LH matches only because I am too f-ing lazy to get into move sequences. All I can say is that each guy, especially the three who didn't just sign with the company a few weeks ago, looks incredibly thrilled to FINALLY have a little non-stop action to swing into.
-BC did his Flying Legdrop (oh I forget the correct wordage) on Crash. JL stops the pin.
-JL hits Crash with a MONSTER DDT and scores the quick win. he stomps on the bitch for good measure.
-JR and PH get face time. I can barely here PH.... his balance must be slightly off.
-"PH's balance is off? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!
-oh God.... I crack myself up.... ha haaa
-The UT is in the WWF studio for his interview. He tells JR that he ain't in the building because.... oh, you can guess what he said. UT ain't one to beat around the bush.
-They play Bizcut's "Rollin'" as they lowered the cage. Just imagine, every time they play that song on TV, Fred Durst is somewhere on this planet banging the ever loving shit out of some incredible girl, more than likely a famous girl. Pudgy, rather dimwitted, too old for the backwards baseball cap, Fred Durst.
-Then there's Kid Rock and Pam Anderson. Take solace in the fact that Pam has proven herself to be one of the most insipid bimbos who ever walked the Earth. Ever hear her on talk shows? Not a single brain in her head.
-ad for "The Best of Wrestlemania" Hulk Hogan is on it for all of a quarter of a second. What's right is right and that ain't right.
-commercials
-Michael Cole has Chris Jericho. Jericho says that after two months of mid-card mayhem, it will be nice to wrap up this "slimy, suck-up, assclown" once and for all and maybe get a run at HHH and the IC belt. You know.... "assclown" is actually a pretty nifty ragout word.
-William Regal comes out WITH a microphone and WITH the end of hour 1 kyron box. He has mic in and announces that Stone Cold's gonna do the white race proud by laying the law down on freshly faced Rikishi (and there ain't no one whiter than Lord William). He also reminded Jericho that Britain was once the most savage, barbaric race on the planet! (Really, how many Jews did THEY stick in an oven?)
-Regal demanded that Jericho get his miserable little carcass into the cage to receive the thrashing of a lifetime. He put down the microphone and made his way down with a sneer. Ross ominously said that a live cage match on RAW is essentially "working without a net!" Ooo, suspense building...
-commercials.... TNN gets the big "Brass Balls" trophy for playing a "We Got POP" recording of a guy congratulating the Rock on the success of The Mummy Returns.... there is absolutely no way in F-ING HELL this has anything to do with the amount of "pop" this hillbilly channel can have,
-Y2J ticker
-Y2J theme
-Y2J
-Regal is wearing a downright frightening scowl on his face. His teeth are bared.... his eyes glaring.... his face contorted.... pure rage SEEPING from every orifice! Reminds me of the end of every first date I've ever had
-Jericho steps into the cage. Regal pulls that classic heel move by acting like he just realized he's in a cage and there is no way out.
-The bell rings, Regal dives for the cage door. Jericho pulls him back in.
-Frequent kicks to the gut by Jericho. Chops to the chest. Loud, obnoxious grunts.
-Jericho climbs to the top of the cage and hands over it. Regal dumps him back in.
-Regal saunters to the open cage door for the easy win... then decides on a little Revolutionary War payback and goes back to work on Jericho.
-of course, Jericho is a Canadian, so his people were too busy relaxing on the sidelines ready to bend over for whichever force actually won the Colonies. We know you boys were secretly rooting for the British. WE KNOW ALL TOO WELL!!!!!
-Regal bounces Jericho around. Pausing every so often to wave at the fans. Heyman admits to not knowing what an "assclown" is. That's odd, seeing how just about every ECW babe who worked for him was well schooled in the act of "Heiny Love"
-Both men crash to the mat from damn near the top of the cage.
-The match plodded.... mostly weak attempts to climb out.
-Jericho was able to fight Regal off the cage and start climbing. Regal went for the door. Y2J was hanging on the outside. He kicked the door into Regal’s face. Regal sailed back. Jericho let go and hit the apron. The bell rang. The feud is OVER!!! Jericho WON!!! Now, waiting in the wings... a rousing three month program with X-FACTOR!!!!! "WWF: Everyone gets a SHOT!"
-commercials
-Marilyn Manson's "The Fight Song" is featured as a video for the Stone Cold-Triple H union. Either they hope no one bothers to listen to the lyrics, of the WWF is hoping we do NOT become "slaves to a God that doesn't exist!" (oh this will NOT bode well for Christianity)
-Stone Cold cuts a rip roaring promo to the Coach. I like it when he tells the poor sap to "shut up" even though the guy didn't even move to open his mouth.
-Chyna comes out with her bazooka. Heyman wants her to rub it up against him. (ugh, you know... Lord Heyman.... Lawler can get away with that and sound semi-okay.... you can't.)
-Chyna takes a seat with the Announcers. Heyman asks if she'll put her arm around him so people will think they are together. Chyna asks "are you flirting with me?" Heyman says, "Yeah!" Awkward silence ensues. Ross chuckles nervously. If the master copy of this tape suddenly finds itself placed next to a high powered magnet, no one will shed a tear.
-Molly Holly comes out to fight Lita. Chyna says that she's been working out her right arm extra hard lately.... her SPANKING arm.
-Heyman asks her if this spanking stuff stems from a need to humiliate her opponents.... Chyna says that she's been spanked before and she's "kind of enjoyed it".... Chyna + Kinky = Maybe going gay isn't THAT bad
-Lita beats Molly with relative ease. Chyna is the first (well, only) person to hit the ring and raise her hand in victory. Chyna then tends to Molly. Lita sneaks up behind her and spanks Chyna a couple of times. Chyna straightens up and whips around. Both girls giggle. This is so totally Heyman's work. Both women so totally hate it. This is so totally a disaster.
-The Dudleys come to the ring carrying a table. Spike is sitting on top of it. He sticks his fist out as they marched. yes, Black power, my Brother!! TAKE A STAND AGAINST THE MAN!!!!
-commercials
-Vince McMahon visits Debra and congratulates her on slapping the UT right in the mush. Then he tells her to go fetch his coffee, claiming that he "wants to get juiced up before the Stone Cold match." (Waait... you mean VINCE AIN'T NATURALLY BUILT??????)
-Deb tells him to get his own coffee.... and throws in a "y'all" just for kicks. Vince is.... oh this is lame.
-The Boys Dudley are out. We are told that this is a final battle between these two teams. THE WWF IS CLEANING HOUSE AND GETTING READY TO START FRESH!!!!!! SAINTS BE PRAISED!!!! THE END OF THE SLIDING RATINGS HAS BEGUN!!!!!!!
-X-Factor comes out. The Dudleys pick up Spike and hurtle him right into them. The bells rings and things get going. It's a tables match, so no pinfalls count.... nor can you be disqualified.... the time limit is tossed out too. This can go on until 2:00 a.m., people. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A WINNER!!! THE STAKES ARE JUST THAT DAMN HIGH!!!!!
-actually.... not only are the stakes not all that high, but I'm hard pressed to find a single stake IN this match.
-Albert begins with Buh Buh. He charges into him from the other side of the ring.... then he moves away and X-Pac goddam CHARGES right into his gut shoulder first. Very sweet combination.
-Just N'Credible boots Buh Buh deep into the corner. X-Pac is in with savant kicks and, no, he just kicked.
-Buh Buh tags D-Von. D-Von cleans house.... Albert pastes him with a clothesline. Spike pastes Albert with a Missile Dropkick. Buh Buh finishes with a clothesline.
-X-Pac gets a black man's head into his groin. Hardly a virgin experience for the little Pecker, I'll wager
-Buh Buh does his "Get Da' Tables" routine.
-Albert is back in and drives his boot into the extended table. Breaking it in half. Sweet ass move.
-Albert arranged a table outside and prepped Spike for it. Raven ran out and caned Albert. Spike hit the runaway Dudley Drop. Albert is put through the table. The Dudleys win and this war is OVER!!!! Now the only question is, who is next in line to unfairly brutalize poor Spike and force his "kin" to DEMAND VENGENCE?????
-a limo pulls out. Chris Benoit steps out. He begins to head towards the ring. I'm sure the journey will take just enough time for us to deal with more...
-commercials
-Michael Cole talks to Rikishi, who promised Stone Cold that this won't be the easy job everyone thinks it will be. Austin will have to WORK!!! Rikishi's titties jiggle even when he talks.
-Kurt Angle made it to WWF New York just in time to see...
-Benoit hit the ring. D'OH!!
-Benoit cut a small promo, then dumped the Olympic medals down his pants. Back at home, Nancy Sullivan yelled, "oh, you WISH, you limpy little Canadian!"
-That about summed it up. I must proceed.
-commercials
-Chris Benoit is stopped by Edge and Christian. They start to fight. They fight right into the room where...
-Y2J is.... it's now 2 on one. Looks like we're getting ready for a big tag team program!
-Mick Foley is back and has a ticket for a front row seat behind the announcers. Some people have pointed out that the house was sold out months in advance and mused that it was "interesting" how Foley was able to procure a seat. I muse that it's "interesting" how they question stupid thoughts like that yet have no problems blindly following the concept that HHH now apparently runs the entire WWF without question! I muse about that so much that I wrote an entire column on it. Up your ass with this cherry little PLUG buttwipes!!
-"up your ass with this cherry little plug".... perhaps the dumbest thing I have ever written, (and there are some SERIOUS challengers to this title)
-The Rock was on Leno and they had highlights. LENO SUICKS, LENO SUCKS LENO SUCKS!!! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEE
-Fact: The WWF would MUCH rather get their boys on Letterman, but Dave isn't interested.
-'Kishi is ready.... too bad we ain't
-commercials
-Mick is ready to enjoy the match as...
-Rikishi came out.
-Vince and Stephanie comes out. If you say you don't want to bang the Princess, I'll call you a LIAR, sir. Even if it's just to say that you scored Vince McMahon’s only daughter.
-Vince sneers as Foley, who shows his ticket proudly. You know, Mick usually isn't prone to this sort of oversell. Most times, he plays it MUCH cooler.
-Austin charges out. Well, stalks out. The director keeps flashing to Foley's face, making it so even my bird squawked, "WAAAH IRONIC FORESHADOWING AWWW" I throw an empty can of Cope at him. He squawks, "AHH F**K YOU AWWW" ("Shut up", "F**K you", and "Hello" are the only words he says clearly.... I have no idea where he learned "hello")
-Austin stomps.... 'kishi ain't selling. Ross notices that Rikishi looks to have put on even more weight. Then mumbled that if this face push doesn't work, he'll be sitting in a gym in Kentucky doing jumping jacks for the next 2 years.
-Austin, who's eye looks 100% unblemished (sumbitch must have Wolverine's Healing factor!), gets a break and works on Rikishi's leg.... keeping him grounded.
-Austin wails away on Rikishi, then shoves the Ref away. Ross, "Who does he think he is???" (Umm.... yeah, a Face is a Face but.... THE MAN RAN AUSTIN DOWN!!!!)
-Rikishi starts no selling the punches and stands up, with Austin sitting on his shoulders. I SWEAR I heard SC yell, "WHAT IS THIS LUCHADOR SHIT???? PUT ME DOWN, TUBBY!!!"
-Rikishi rebounds, throws Austin into the ropes, Austin hangs on and slips out. He grabs a chair and goes back in. Big boot to the chair and into the face.
-Samoan Drop. Ross, "That knocked the air out of the rattlesnake!" Hmm, I didn't hear him fart?"
-Vince is in, and takes a boot.
-Vince gets backdropped. He sits on Austin. Austin kicks out.
-Belly to belly suplex on Austin. He is dragged to the corner.
-Steph is in to help Vince. Rikishi likes what he sees. (thass some expensive cabbage! booyaaa!)
-Rikishi corners Steph. Austin runs in and slams him into her. She goes down, head precariously near his crotch.
-Stunner on Rikishi. Austin wins. He grabs a chair. Foley yanks it out of his hand. They start fighting.
-Well.... Foley didn't really fight.
-Things spilled into the ring. Austin was chased away by a chair. Stephanie got the return of the Stinkface. Stephanie, and God Bless her for this, BURIED her face right in that slab.
-But.... Piper said the only people who took the Stinkface were people who were being PUNISHED!!!! What did Stephanie DO???? WHAT????
-the show ends. I am seconds away from bedtime.
The show was the show. I didn't mind it, really. But I try not to be negative only because it's the fad to be harsh towards the product. It's as if everyone took the bad vibes they had for Nitro and channeled it to RAW.
Or, the show simply blows. Feel free to choose your own excuse.... just stop making it the topic of your columns please.... you're bored with RAW.... okay.... WE GET IT!!!
This Closer is titled GOOD CLEAN FUN!
See, I have a stack of jokes here, some older than Christ Himself, they are all foul. Dirty, dirty DIRTY!!!!
Now, I know I'm Mr. Racist and all and I am evil, but I realize that some of my readers might enjoy one or two of these jokes, but not twenty of them in a row that are aimed at their proud heritage. I swear, I am NOT a racist... I've even got a color TV!
What is a poor columnist to do? See, I'm being all complimented on my AAT's and my kick ass take on the news, and quite frankly, I'm feeling too clean. I want some HATRED spewed towards me!
So I decided to post a whole bunch of filthy jokes.... but so not to offend people, I have edited out all the actual names of certain races and religions. I did leave a few ones in, because what good am I if I can't tell a good Polish or Eskimo joke? They're harmless!
If you want, replace all the edited words with "CANADIAN".... it'll work just fine.
Now, obscene jokes become GOOD CLEAN FUN!!!
- What did God say when another xxxxx baby was born?
OOPS! Burnt another one.
- How can you tell if a xxxxx is well hung?
He stops kicking...
- What are three things you can't give a xxxxx guy?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
-What do you call a white guy surrounded by a bunch of xxxxx guys?
Coach
- What's the best way to get a xxxxx down from a tree?
Cut the rope
-Why are all xxxxx people fast?
All the slow ones are in jail
-What is the difference between an xxxxxxxxx and a pair of jeans?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on them
-What do you call a Queer Eskimo?
A snow blower
-Why do cop dogs always lick their ass?
To get the xxxxx guy taste out of their mouth
-What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche
What do you call a bunch of xxxxx people running down a hill?
A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of xxxxxxx people running down a hill?
A jailbreak
-What does a xxxxxxx do if he can't jump?
Stay in Mexico
-How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the guy is still trying to back out of your driveway.
-A xxxxx guy and a xxxxxx xxxxx are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
-What do you call an xxxxxxx guy in a suit?
The defendant
-How do you stop an xxxxx from drowning?
Take your foot off his head -Uncle Fester
-How did Germany take over Poland?
They marched in backwards and Poland thought they were leaving.
-Have you heard about the xxxxxx sports car?
It stops on a dime, then picks it up
-How many xxxx can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 6,000 in the ashtray
-Who is the greatest xxxxxx cook ever?
Hitler
-What did Hitler say to the black xxx?
"Get to the back of the oven"
-What is a xxx's biggest dilemma?
Free pork
OH, horrible, totally horrible.
Here, just to give you something we can ALL laugh at.... you can never go wrong by DOING THE DOZENS!!!
YO MOMMA'S SOOO FAT...
...she sat on a quarter and squeezed a booger outta George Washington's nose.
...we're in her right now.
...she has been declared a natural habitat for condors.
...when she has sex, she has to give directions.
...she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
...she fell in love, and broke it
...she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon.
...she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
YO MOMMA'S SOOO DUMB...
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice container because it said "Concentrate."
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...when she saw the "NC-17, under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
...she stole free bread.
...she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
...Doctor asked what her flow was like, she said "linoleum"
...she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
YO MOMMA SO POOR...
...her face is on the front of a food stamp
...she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
...I walked in the house and stepped on a cigarette and she said "who turned off the heat!"
YO WIFE/GIRLFRIEND IS SO UGLY...
..when she joined the ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals.
...they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
...the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
...if ugly were bricks, she'd have her own projects.
...she tried to a bath but the water jumped out.
...even Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
YO MOMMA LIKE...
...a bag of potato chips--Fri-to Lay.
...a bus, 50 cents and she ready to ride.
...a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one.
...a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
...a rifle, four cocks and she's full.
...a bowling ball, she picked up, fingered, then thrown in the gutter.
...chinese food, sweet sour, and cheap.
NO SHE'S NOT!!! STOP THAT!!
Again... heh... I... urr... *snort*... I apologi...haw... gize for that.
Of course, the.... *titter*.... good folks at 411 do NOT hah condone this.
No, it's not.... *hee heee heee* it's not co... coo... heh heh he
HAH HAH HAH more chins than a hong kong phone book BWHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAA...
Oh dear.... heh heh... not nice... HAW HAW.
HEY!!! Ahem.... if you have any WHITE jokes, send them to me and I'll bash my own race around a bit. Come on.... what'cha got?
Me? I gots to go.
a snow blower... PAW HAW HAW HAAAWWW
Oh... oh that felt good.
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